


It's all led to you

by catherinerussellstolemyheart



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 19:25:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11607372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catherinerussellstolemyheart/pseuds/catherinerussellstolemyheart
Summary: Bernie's journey with her sexuality





	It's all led to you

The first time Bernie kissed a girl, she was 14. It had been during a game of spin the bottle, her spin had landed on Melissa and her cheeks had flushed red as she kissed the pretty brunette with freckles and a button nose. She relished the softness of those lips and the way they felt against her own. That was until Melissa and the others fell about laughing, Bernie laughed along, but inside she felt nothing but shame. She shouldn’t enjoy kissing girls, it was something funny, something to giggle at – the very idea they had kissed. That night she had lain awake as the other girls eventually drifted off to sleep, she felt confused and alarmed – surely she should not feel this way. From that day on she decided she needed to protect herself, so she closed herself off from others.  
The first time she kissed a woman and it was reciprocated in kind was at University, she had been out celebrating the end of January exams. She had noticed Cara before, short blonde hair, curves in all the right places and a wicked smile, her lips were full, always looking as though she had just been kissed, she probably had been Bernie thought. She was stunning, she oozed confidence from every pore and Bernie developed a habit of watching her, just watching her from a far. She admired her confidence, the slope of her breasts, the way her hips had a gentle curve. It was during the celebration she finally got to speak to Cara. She had been unprepared, she was just hiding in the background, drinking, hoping to not be noticed, hoping the shared house would soon empty. She had almost choked when she heard Cara’s voice,  
‘Now why would such a gorgeous woman like you be hiding in a corner’ that alluring voice, Bernie could hardly breathe.  
‘Oh, um, I just..not really my, you’re the gorgeous one, I mean, you’re gorgeous, well more than me, sorry, I just…’ Bernie couldn’t seem to engage her brain prior to talking. Cara just laughed.  
‘It’s OK, I’ve seen you watching me’ She purred in Bernie’s ear  
‘S..s.sorry, I just, well I’ Bernie mumbled  
She was cut off by the feel of Cara’s lips on hers. Cara kissed her like she had never been kissed before, her hands cupping the nape of Bernie’s neck, firmly pulling at the unruly blonde hair, her teeth grazing Bernie’s lips, her body pressed flush to Bernie. Bernie responded in kind, she finally understood this whole sexual desire thing people talked about, the 18yr old virgin felt the heat between their bodies as they kissed, blood pounding in her ears until she heard cheering.   
Cara broke the kiss smiling at her before cheering and re-joining the group she had been with. Bernie stood there, she had been used, Cara didn’t kiss her because she liked Bernie, she kissed her for entertainment. Bernie had no escape this time as the party continued, people regularly patting her on the back and cheering as if she’d been complicit in tonight’s entertainment.

The first time Bernie slept with a woman she was 21. She was in her 3rd year of medical school and looking forward to joining the RAMC. She had been to her induction with her fellow recruits and noticed Stacey. Stacey was dark haired, thinner than Bernie with a slightly boyish figure, but she had the bluest eyes that Bernie could see herself drowning in. She had left her first boyfriend, Marcus, after he had insisted that if she chose to go away with the RAMC he couldn’t assure her he would wait for her. He tired every trick in the book to manipulate her to stay but Bernie needed this, she needed to feel free, to feel useful. Danger did not scare her, because facing death was easier than facing the reality that she was gay, she couldn’t even admit it to herself, it’s just an attraction she told herself. The RAMC was her home, she found her confidence there, she enjoyed herself with the other troops, attending nights out and late night lock ins. It was on one of these lock ins she found herself talking with Stacey, a few drinks too many and she couldn’t stop herself from looking at those thin but oh so enticing lips. She saw Stacey’s eyes widen. She held her breath, scared she had given away her secret, but then Stacey kissed her. Tentative at first until Bernie responded. They kissed, lazily, for what felt like forever. They parted with a gentle kiss, both with wide smiles on their faces. It was a month or so before they were alone again, this time camping in the woods. Stacey had quietly made her way to Bernie’s tent, slipping in beside her. Bernie turned to face her, tears in her eyes, she knew what was going to happen, she wanted it to happen so badly, but she knew this would change everything. Stacey gently brushed her fingers across Bernie’s cheek, before cupping her chin and kissing her.  
‘I…I’ve never..’ Bernie stuttered  
‘It’s OK, I have, just relax’ Stacey had whispered back  
Bernie felt her heart pounding as Stacey had kissed her again, her hand making its way down Bernie’s body, into her knickers. She felt a jolt of pleasure as Stacey reached her goal, suddenly realising that this one tiny touch made her feel more alive than the previous 6 months of sex with Marcus. When Stacey’s fingers entered her Bernie had to fight hard not to cry out, trying to quiet her moans as Stacey built her ever closer to orgasm, and when it hit she realised she had never once orgasmed with Marcus, she’d enjoyed sex but never had this moment before. She lay, panting, eyes fixed on Stacey who was smiling at her, and Bernie felt right. She felt right for the first time, like this was exactly where she was meant to be at this moment in time.  
The mood was interrupted by an angry voice whispering harshly ‘out, now, both of you. Quick unless you want to parade in front of the entire squad’. Bernie’s eyes widened in fear, it was their captain. Stacey, more confident in herself shrugged and exited the tent, Bernie sheepishly doing so some moments later.  
What had followed had been awful. They had both endured being screamed at by their captain, this sort of behaviour was not tolerated and most certainly not tolerated between members of the same sex, the captain told them that she would not accept ‘dykes’ in her squad.  
Bernie mumbled, ‘I’m not..I mean I’m not one of those, I…I..I have a boyfriend at home’ she looked away in utter shame as Stacey looked crushed, a single tear running down her face.  
‘And you?’ the Captain turned her attentions to Stacey, ‘is this a momentary lapse in judgement for you too?’  
‘No’  
The answer shocked both Bernie and the Captain, Bernie knew they were being given a chance to avoid being dishonourably discharged.  
‘Do you need to think about that cadet’ the captain said in a warning tone  
‘No, no I don’t. I’m a lesbian, dyke, whatever you want to call it. She’s not my first, she won’t be my last, but she was a mistake’ Stacey replied, her features remaining neutral. Bernie felt herself crumble with shame. The next day Stacey was asked to leave, Bernie tried to see her, speak to her, apologise, but the young woman looked straight through her. That night Bernie wrote home to Marcus, she accepted his proposal, agreed that after her first 3 years of service they would start a family.  
When Bernie met Alex, she had kept her sexuality well-hidden for years. Being away from home on tour was the best thing for her marriage, and sex with Marcus wasn’t too bad, she would often find herself thinking of women, soft curves, breasts, to build on her enjoyment. Years of learning more about her body allowed her to climax and sometimes she would suggest that actually she was satisfied. The more time had gone on, the bitterer Marcus had become about her work, he resented her leaving him and their children, and he resented her fame from her glowing career whilst he lurked in the background juggling parenthood and work. He resented the fact that she no longer dragged him to bed the moment she got back from tour, he was the reason she agreed to another commission.  
Whilst training the new medics she met Alex. Dark hair, athletic, brilliant wit. They became friends, really good friends. She could talk to Alex about Marcus, they would cry together, laugh together, and when they were trapped under siege, it was Alex that Bernie reached for. They sat, under cover of a work surface aware their colleagues were lying on the floor in need of their help but knowing if either moved they would join the casualty list, they had to wait for back up. The sounds of gun fire intermittently reminding them of how close they were to death. Bernie swallowed a sob, Alex squeezed her hand whispering, ‘we’ll be OK Bern, we’ll be OK’.  
‘My children’ Bernie chocked in a barely audible whisper, ‘If I don’t, and you do, please Alex, my children’.  
‘No, because we’ll both get through this Major, pull yourself together. We both look like crap as it is and if your cry you’ll look even worse’ Alex playfully chastised, trying to cheer her friend up.  
‘You always look gorgeous, I doubt you could ever look like crap’ Bernie whispered before she could help herself. She clamped her hand over her mouth, suddenly aware of what she had said to her friend, her junior, her colleague.  
Alex looked at her puzzled. ‘You… are you?’ she whispered, her eyes never leaving Bernie’s.  
Bernie was paralyzed by fear, not of death, but of ruining the one friendship she had, her confident.  
But Alex surprised her, she brought their lips together and Bernie felt alive for the first time in years.  
They were rescued, and after hours in surgery repairing the broken bodies of their colleagues, it was without words that they both fell into Bernie’s office. They made love for hours, on the floor of her office, communicating everything they could with touches and kisses. When Alex used her mouth to pleasure Bernie she gasped, tears running down her cheeks, this was all she wanted in life, to feel this good.  
No one knew, they kept it hidden. There were rumours of course but no one dared to piss the major off so nothing went beyond a rumour. They would grab moments like rare jewels. Savouring them whenever they could be alone.  
Then the IED hit, and Bernie was blown back to reality. She got scared, she couldn’t do this. How could she, after 25yrs of marriage and two children announce she was gay? Her children would never forgive her, and Marcus, poor Marcus would be humiliated. No, she had to put Alex to the back of her mind.  
Of course, that never really works out.  
As she breaks apart from kissing Serena, having run away to Ukraine and returned she realises that these moments have all lead her here, she exactly where she should be, and she would withstand all that humiliation, all that pain, and shame, to be right here, right now, locked in this office, kissing this incredible woman for as long as she would let her.


End file.
